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第25章亲爱的母亲DearMom（2）
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Lately，I’vebeguntolookonmotherhoodasaninitiationinto“reallife”
.Idon’tthinkIrealizeduntilJana’sbirththatthelifeI’dledpreviously—relativelyfree，easy，athelifeledbymostpeople—pastorpresent.Bybeother，Iseemtohaveacquiredautomaticmembershipintoauniversalclubmadeupofuiesaies，limitationsanddiffidsometimes，unsolvableproblems.Ofcourse，theclubhasitsbeoo.
WhenJanawakesfromherafternoonnapand，sohappytoseeme，givesmeherradiantfull-facesmile，IsmilebadfeelonmyowhesmileyouusedtogivemewheheOr，whehingparticularlycute，I’llglaGary，andinthelookweexgeIseetheoneIremembergbetweenyouanddadatoppositeeable.ItwasalookfulloffeelingsIilnow.
WhenIholdJaomeandlookdowntoseemyhandtightacrossherchest.OrwhenItuketaroundherwhileshesleepsandtouchtheskinofhercheek.Iseeyourhands（thhandswiththeirsmoothovalnails，steadyanddg）doihings.ThenIfeelasifsomeoftheloveayyougaveththosehandsisnowinmine，asIpassthatloveontoJana.
&herdayJanafellasleepagainstmyarImusthavespewearingather，marvelicolorofherhair，thesupplenessofherskiih，movingnowandthearushIfelt，ofloveandwonder，ofdludmore.IsuddenlyrememberedsomethingIsawonyourfacelastsummer，whenIwashomeonavisitshortlyafterJana’sbirth.
&ingonthegliderswinginthebackyard.Itwasal，coolthereintheshade，andtheairwasfullranyarden.IwasholdingJaoelemovementoftheswing.
ButIwasn’tenjoyinganythingjustthen.I’dhadaroughnight.Janawassixweeksoldandhadbeenupeveryfewhours.I，fretfulandnervousasoherbe，hadbeenhavingtroublefallingbacktosleepbetweenherfeedings.Iwasdtired，andnotfeelingcheerfulaboutthismotherhoodbusiall.
Sittingontheglider，wetalked—orrather，Italked，lettingloosemyloadofayandfrustrationsonyou.Andoutoftheblue，youreachedovertotouchmyhair.
“It’ssopretty.”
yousaid，anoddexpressiononyourface.“Thewaythesunishittingitjusticedyouhadshlightsbefore.”
Alittleembarrassed，preoccupiedwithhtsandproblems，Ishruggedoffyourent.Idon’tknowwhatIsaid，somethingshortanddismissive，nodoubt，asIwavedawaytheent.Butyourwordsaffectedme.Ithadbeenalongtimesineohingtrulybeautifulinme，andI
IthastakehislohatthelookyougavemethatdayisthesamelookIgiveheralmostdaily.AnditmakesmewopossiblethatyoustillseethemiramethatIseeihemagiueevenwhenyrownandgoneahemselves?WillIlookatJanainthirtyyearsandstillfeelthesamerushofloveforherthatIdonow?
Italmosthurtstothinkofthatkioovulile.Ikhebarriersthatspriweeheirovertheyears，thefriisuandings，thedailyflidstruggles，theiablepullingawayandfinalbreakforindepeothinkthatsomedayJanaaveawaymytentativewordsofloveasIdidyours.
enstrushoflove?Isitloststheway，buriedbeiicalitiesfchild?Orisitthereallalongunvoiexpressed，until，perhaps，anewchildisbornandamotherreachesouttothter’shair?
That，itseemstome，istherealmiracle:thewayamother’sloveisrediscovered，repeated，passedonagainandagain—asithasbeenhandeddowninourlivesfromyoutome，frommetoJana，andfromJaoherowisagiftinitself.
&I’vebeeosayallalongis，thanks，Mo
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